Today I cried

Today I cried for the children I will not have. For the pregnancies that I will not experience.

I cried because I will never experience that feeling again of a new life growing inside me.

I cried that my body, otherwise healthy, could make a child so ill, so poorly like Samuel.

I cried that if we want more children, we can’t just decide to have them. We might have to negotiate with adoption agencies. We will have to prove that we can make it work.

I cried because we can’t just look to the future knowing that we will have more children. That we will definitely be parents again.

I cried that my husband, who was born to be a father, can’t have another child of his own. A child that will look like him, have his nose and his eyes.

I cried because I feel guilty that I want more children when Samuel should be enough.

I cried because I have so much love inside me to give another child. We both have so much love to give.

I cried because we can’t just have another child like other people can and just make it work like other people do.

I cried because of the raw pain in my heart and stomach that I feel when I see Samuel have a seizure and all I want him to do is look at me and smile.

I cried because I know if we start the adoption process it will be long, drawn out and painful. Having to go over again and again about Samuel’s condition with different people.

I cried because one day we could lose Samuel and I will no longer have a child here to hold.

I cried because I just want us to be a mum and a dad. Forever.

36 thoughts on “Today I cried

  1. Oh oh oh – lots of love to you and strength to you and your husband. It’s lovely to have even one child- and at least you can give him a great home. Don’t give up on adoption, it may well be the way forward.

    • Thanks. No, we will still look into adoption. I just felt so disheartened when I rang & spoke to a social worker yesterday about the process and how we’d be viewed having a child with such medical problems and special needs as Samuel. I felt frustrated that we will have to go through extra hoops to prove that the adopted child wont be neglected because of Sam’s needs, that we have a good practical support network (including babysitters, which we don’t really have for Samuel as people too nervous because of his problems) and we’ll have to go over and over everything again and again. But then if things were different and I could easily have another one, I would and we would just make it work and figure it all out when we needed to. But I’m more positive about it today after talking this over again with hubs. x

  2. Hey Zoe,

    I wish there were something profound I could say to help you, but if there were I would just have to say it to myself and my wife because we’ve cried for many of these same reasons.

    What a beautiful post! Thank you so much for your honesty and for sharing so much of yourself and your experiences with all of us.

    Oh and that last line? You are a mum and a dad. Pretty Damn good ones too.


    • Thanks Eric. I know that I’m not alone with all of this, I really do. It just hits you sometimes doesn’t it? Right in the gut. But had a really long chat with C & feel much better about it all I really do and as you say, we have our gorgeous boy. I don’t think Samuel has been squeezed quite as much as he was yesterday! xx

  3. Oh darling (((big hugs))) *tears*

    I’m so sorry. I can’t begin to understand how you are feeling. Please don’t feel guilty for wanting another child because Sam is not enough. That is not the case at all. Wanting another child doesn’t mean the first one is not enough.

    I don’t know too much about the adoption process but I am sure it will be worth it to give a child the life it deserves with two loving parents.

    I can understand a little of your feelings about hubby not having another child. When has losses at the beginning of my journey to have children I would cry because I couldn’t make S a daddy, something I knew he wanted and I knew he would be amazing at.

    I understand that you are the carrier of the gene that creates Samuels condition and that of you were to have a girl she too would be a carrier. Is there any possibility of having a donor egg with your hubby’s little swimmers inserted into you to carry? Just wondering if that is an option?

    You are usually so upbeat, it’s sad to hear you are feeling this way. Don’t be hard of yourself. Have a good cry & keep letting your feelings out. Everything will work out for you xxx

    • Thanks Rach. We haven’t looked into IVF in that much depth yet, but of course there are options in that respect but it just terrifies us it really does. What if it doesn’t work? What if it goes wrong? But I’m feeling much better now I promise. xxx

  4. I know I don’t know you in RL but I can tell from your blog that you are already an amazing mum and dad. I’m sure you will be able to give another child a special and loving family, and I wish you luck and strength in that journey. Cry as much as you need to along the way x

  5. Thank you so much everyone for all your love, hugs and kind words. I know I will be fine and I have my gorgeous Samuel to squeeze afterall. Some days things just seem that little bit harder that’s all. xxx

  6. *big hugs* Crying is good, it’s healthy, it shows you’re in touch with your emotions and is a way of dealing with the sadness. Cry as much as you like, and there are plenty of people here who will hug and console you and pick you up and keep you going. And don’t feel guilty. Never feel guilty. You are both doing an amazing job. I have so much admiration for you X X X

  7. Sending the biggest hugs.ever. Wish there was something u could to do make it or say to make you feel better. Doctors don’t know if we are likely to have another child like Freddie if we decide to have more. It’s very tough 😦 xx

  8. Life is sometimes so not fair and somedays the reality of that just slaps you in the face. To be able to express that so articulately is a gift. It gets easier as time goes on ( my beautiful boy is 8 ) but I still have moments of grief that is so raw and painful. I hope it comforts you to know you are not alone.

  9. Zoe, i wish i knew you in that there life so i could give you through biggest hug…. totally understandable you feel this way. you are grieving the lost opportunity. it is natural to feel this way. please allow yourself these tears x x

  10. Sending you love & hugs.

    No matter what, you will always be Sam’s Mummy & Daddy.

    I wont pretend to know how this feels for you but I do know that you are a very strong and inspirational person who can face all that life has to throw at her.

    As parents that the world will never understand, we all have good days and bad days. It is the good days that get us through the bad and the bad days that show us how good the good days can be.

    With lots of love to you and Sam (and of course Sam’s daddy)

      • That would be lovely. I will definately let you know the next time I plan on coming down to Southampton and hopefully we can arrange to meet somewhere. xx

  11. I am crying buckets here. Stay strong honey. Samuel could not want for more with the two of you as parents. You talk a lot about how wonderful Sam is. I know where he gets that from. Big hugs xxx

  12. Zoe, your post has been going around in my head for days, trying to think of the right thing to say to you. All I can come up with is how I admire you, not because you have a tricky little Sam and you do what you have to do, but because of your honesty and your courage that you show everyday in your tweets and your blog. I can imagine so many people in your situation hide from the world but you don’t, which shows us so many things about you and your husband – what wonderful parents you are, what trust you have sharing with all of us strangers, how much love you have to give, your sense of humour and your complete and utter devotion to that gorgeous little Sam of yours. Sam’s condition isn’t your fault, you must never blame yourself. You and your husband made him, two lovely people made the most handsome boy in the WORLD (and with the longest eyelashes). Everyday I am grateful that you let us into your world.

    Love Izzy and Tabs x

  13. I’m so sorry you are having to deal with these feelings. Some people really don’t realise how lucky they are and how much they take for granted.

    My heart goes out to you as your husband, and of course, lovely little Sam.

    Sending you a virtual hug xxx

  14. Pingback: Is the impossible possible? | Tricky Customer

  15. I stumbled upon your blog today and although this is a very late response I just wanted to say I feel yah! I also carry a genetic mutation that causes severe disability in boys. My son died two months after he was born from this disease. We desperately wanted more children and luckily we got pregnant a few months later. We had many tests done during pregnancy and found out early that I was carrying a girl. She was born healthy and she is my world. We don’t know if she is a carrier because we opted not to have the test done ( she will have the option when she chooses to have kids) but the odds are in our favour for a healthy child. Have they located the exact gene mutation in you? have you thought about cvs testing?I wish you all the best in expanding your family.

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