Today I cried

Today I cried for the children I will not have. For the pregnancies that I will not experience.

I cried because I will never experience that feeling again of a new life growing inside me.

I cried that my body, otherwise healthy, could make a child so ill, so poorly like Samuel.

I cried that if we want more children, we can’t just decide to have them. We might have to negotiate with adoption agencies. We will have to prove that we can make it work.

I cried because we can’t just look to the future knowing that we will have more children. That we will definitely be parents again.

I cried that my husband, who was born to be a father, can’t have another child of his own. A child that will look like him, have his nose and his eyes.

I cried because I feel guilty that I want more children when Samuel should be enough.

I cried because I have so much love inside me to give another child. We both have so much love to give.

I cried because we can’t just have another child like other people can and just make it work like other people do.

I cried because of the raw pain in my heart and stomach that I feel when I see Samuel have a seizure and all I want him to do is look at me and smile.

I cried because I know if we start the adoption process it will be long, drawn out and painful. Having to go over again and again about Samuel’s condition with different people.

I cried because one day we could lose Samuel and I will no longer have a child here to hold.

I cried because I just want us to be a mum and a dad. Forever.