Having another

Recently it seems that there are a few bloggers out there, namely Pressure Support, Little Mamma Said and SwanFreddie who have been writing posts that could have come straight from me, it is like they are reading my thoughts. One particular blogger, Hayley from SwanFreddie has particularly struck a chord with me with her post Grief and more recently If only it was a simple decision.

This recent post of Hayley’s looks at her thoughts and feelings about having another child. Hayley’s post echoes a lot of what I’ve been thinking about lately.

As I mentioned recently, we met with the genetics doctors to discuss our options for me falling pregnant again. We are in a fortunate position in that we have a diagnosis, we know I’m a carrier and how to avoid passing ARX on again to another child. We have a lot to think about as a couple about the way in which we want to have another child.

But it’s the practical stuff I can’t stop mulling over. Other ‘normal’ couples, when discussing more children, talk about whether they can afford more, have they got room, can they face sleepless nights again and potty training?

We’ve got to think about all the practical things in quite some detail to make sure that we make the right decision about having another child. We are limited with people to look after Samuel – we literally only have Auntie C and Julia’s House carers (and the latter is organised, booked in childcare). So if I was poorly during pregnancy, when I come to give birth, if the second child is poorly and so on, we have to think about our options for who would look after Samuel.

Samuel will never be able to walk. He will always have to be in a buggy, wheelchair or be carried. I will need to think about that, will it be practical to always put second child in a baby carrier/sling  when we are out and about – what about when they are bigger but not properly walking? Would I be able to carry a big, heavy Samuel if I was pregnant?

Will it be fair for second child to have to come along to hospital appointments and what we do as a family will always be heavily dictated by Samuel and his condition.

What about Samuel? Will having another child mean I will be giving him less, less time, less attention, less of me? I’ve got a big heart bursting with love, so he will never lack there.

I hear comments from people about negotiating with husband about wanting more children and I look at them and can’t imagine that decision being so simple.

If we go down the adoption route, we will have to think about all of this upfront. We will have to prove to the adoption people that we can do this. We will have to prove that we will be able to juggle it all while providing a stable home and a loving family. Although neither of our families or friends (other than Auntie C) look after Samuel (because they do not feel confident to do so despite our offers of ‘training’), they have made noises that they would help us with the second child. They would step in and provide practical help rather than just the (very lovely) cuddles they give Samuel and the numerous pats on the back for us.

Can I be honest with you? I do envy people who not only is the decision for them to have another child quite straightforward, they seem to be able to have another child quite easily and then also go on to have two, three, four more. I love being a mother and Samuel’s Dad is an absolutely fantastic father and I have this dull ache in my heart and stomach for another child.

I believe we can do it though. I’m sure we can. We have so much love to give another child. It will be tough, very tough juggling it all. But surely we can handle it? Or could this be the most craziest idea we’ve ever had?

DEAR READER, I realise this may be the only ‘special needs’ blog you read and maybe you only read it because you are fond of Samuel and I. If this is the case, I ask a special favour of you. When I link to another blog post, please do pop over and have a quick read as what the other blogger has written may give you that extra insight into my world and my thoughts. You don’t have to of course, but it might just help you understand me and my ramblings that little bit better.


8 thoughts on “Having another

  1. A tough decision.Wish it was easy for you. This is in no way near a league of yours, but at the moment, we just can’t get pregnant 😦 x

  2. As the kid sister of a brother who is unable to walk and has a myriad of health conditions, I spent many hours going to doctor’s appointments etc as a child. I didn’t mind then and I go now because I’m the worried and over-protective sister. My mum had to carry my brother around while pregnant with me. It must have been tough for her but she did it and it didn’t harm either of us. I saw my brother have seizures, and learned how to help from a very young age. It made me a better person, and made me one of life’s little helpers.

    It’s not easy when you have to devote so much care to one child but I didn’t suffer from lack of attention, quite the opposite. It made me appreciate my parents even more because of all they had to go through with my brother.

    I suppose what I am trying to tell you is that you don’t know how you will adjust to things until they happen. I don’t think I have to know you to say that Sam has wonderful parents who would move mountains for him if you had to, that won’t change if you do have another child. I just want to let you know that it worked out in my family’s case.

    Linda x

  3. Well, well, well now who’s the one writing blog posts that I could have written. This is so very well said. While Karin I can relate to so much of this I know that I couldn’t have said it any better. You’re honesty and openness in your blogging is inspiring.

  4. I would go for it if you really want to. I did. I know I had a older girl to help manage the buggy pushing – she took one and I took the other, but there are double special needs buggies that you could use instead. Another child may help to bring Samuel on and he could benefit from getting involved in everyday children’s stuff – he’ll probably get lots of attention which he may love! I never regretted it and would have had more again if I’d had the opportunity x

  5. We agonised with nearly all these questions. As we don’t have a diagnosis we could not test we just had to risk. Our genetics team said wait till he is 3 then 5 for a better idea. Lets be honest they will never know. It is hard, harder than I ever thought it would be. I feel guilt every time I spend a night away from Addison as we are in hospital. But then I feel guilty that Gray has to be in hospital. I look at Addy and think that I am always missing signs that she may have problems. As they could be less severe.
    But on the Plus we are doing it. We can’t go out and about alot but Addy smiles, she misses having someone to play with but she gets to play with mama/daddy. It will never be like fair everyone else but our life is different.
    I really want to try again. Since having Addy they have said they think G’s condition is x line. Every time I think about another baby I get a little sick. Should I just be thankful for Addy. But we always wanted a large family. I hate the feeling that Addy is like an only child as Grayson doesn’t know she is there. Oh I am not sure we will ever stop worrying x Sorry I have had a real rant. Huge hugs to you. I can’t imagine how I wouldn’t cope with out my parents/stepparents who both will care for G.

  6. Pingback: If only it was a simple decision « swanfreddie

  7. I hope you manage to make the decision – no rush min- and that everything turns out exactly as you’d like it to. But even if it doesn’t, we all learn to live with what we’ve got, and it’s all about PMA. I can tell from your blogging that you are generally a strong and happy person, even if you don’t feel like being that all the time. Would it be wrong to say that all children bring happiness? x

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