This is my second attempt at writing this blog post. I found what I was going to say too hard to write. It was about a dream I’d had. The dream was about Samuel. A fine and healthy Samuel. No ARX. No epilepsy. Just a fine and healthy 19 month old boy doing normal 19 month old things. That first post was going to tell you in detail about the dream. That I went into his room in the morning and there he was smiling at me, asking to be picked up. I watched him eat and enjoy his breakfast, even ask for me. We went to the park and played on the swings. He said Mummy.
It was one of those blog posts that squeezes your heart with every word. But what was the point of me repeating to myself every single acute detail of that dream? It wasn’t true. It wasn’t real. I will never wake up and find this rollercoaster has been a dream. This is real.
But it made me think about what I wouldn’t have if it was a dream.
- We wouldn’t have the bond we have with Auntie C.
- I’d be back at work. I wouldn’t get to see my precious boy every single day.
- I wouldn’t have the friendship I do with the amazing mums I met in NICU.
- I wouldn’t know Julia’s House and just what a fantastic place it is. I wouldn’t appreciate just how full of love it is and I wouldn’t have met all the lovely carers and nurses.
- However much I would have loved Samuel, I probably wouldn’t have appreciated him the way I do. I may not have realised just how precious life is and how vulnerable it is.
- Samuel has brought out peoples true colours. Although they’ve always been wonderful, my existing friendships, particularly with Sam’s Godmother T, wouldn’t be as they are now. I’ve leant on T. I’ve needed her and she’s delivered. With bells on.
- I wouldn’t have made the lovely friendships I’ve got with other local mums of children with disabilities, who are extraordianary strong and just simply brilliant women.
- I wouldn’t be person I am now. Samuel has brought out the best in me. I am patient. I am kind. I am compassionate. I can see beyond the condition, the disability, the tubes, machines and scars and see the person that is there.
- If I hadn’t found myself in this new world, I may never have opened my twitter account. I may never have started a blog. You wouldn’t know me and Samuel and I wouldn’t know all the absolutely amazing people who I’ve met through twitter and blogs.
Don’t get me wrong, of course I’m not denying that I would not exchange everything I own, every limb of mine, for a miracle. But that isn’t going to happen. So why dwell on the what could have been as it will never be? Just enjoy the here and now and realise how lucky we all are.