I can’t believe that it’s been almost 10 months since you left us. It can feel like it was just yesterday. In some ways I feel like the world has stopped still since you went, and then it feels like so much has happened too. Your little brother has grown up so much and I have started working again…there are some days when your absence is so obvious, so visible and some days not so much, because we still think of you as being here.
We visit your resting place every week. I hope it is peaceful for you there. It is so beautiful. I know I don’t cry when I’m there at your forever bed, sorting out your flowers and tidying up. But I cry every time I walk back to the car. I sing Twinkle Twinkle to myself and have a little cry, walking away from your resting place feels like I’m walking away from you, like I’ve just lost you again. But I love seeing what Harbour View looks like with the change of seasons. Every week we say that we are pleased we chose there for you. I’m looking forward to planting some daffodil bulbs at your spot, so it will look even more beautiful next spring.
We have had to deal with and process immense sadness this year. Sadness that I could never have imagined before. The sense of physical loss has been extraordinary. I’ve felt like a physical piece of me, part of my body, has gone. But I can still feel you in my arms, the softness of your skin. Sometimes I can almost believe that you are still here. Almost.
But we have had lots to smile about this year. Your little brother has been our ray of sunshine. He is such a delight. He makes us smile and laugh every day. We adore him. He has saved us. He will grow up knowing all about his big brother, you are in his heart. In your short life you blessed us with many things, wonderful people we have gotten to know and you showed us just how beautiful life can be. But we believe you gave us your little brother too. You made sure he was here to look after us after you left.
It isn’t just us that have had to cope with your loss, you broke the hearts of so many. And as I always do, I ask you to watch over them and give them strength – you were a strong and brave little boy and there are many people who need some of that strength and bravery now that you are gone.
On a clear night we look up to the stars and think of you. You are all the stars in the sky.
I sometimes feel that I desperately need to know that you are OK, you are at peace. That you know how much we loved you. But I think I know. All you ever knew was love. And you can only be at peace. Your little body can finally be at rest.
You will always be my special boy. My superhero. My superstar. I hope one day that I will be able to hold you in my arms once more. Until then my Samuel Bear, sleep well.
With all my love forever,