Hate

Hate is a strong word. I think we should only use the word with caution. Really think about what we are saying before we say it. But what I’m about to say I mean with every fibre of my being. I hate ARX and I hate epilepsy.

I hate watching what the seizures do to my beloved, precious boy every single day. The way his body stiffens and twists, how he cries sometimes before, during and after. How his lips briefly go blue. How it can take him such a long time to unravel and to come out of it. The fact that sometimes we have to medicate some of his seizures and in effect sedate him. I hate that we have to put all these medicines into his little body every day.

I hate the fact that I feel relieved and lucky that he breathes independently and is fortunate not to have oxygen or a tracheotomy.

I hate watching him snooze peacefully, then be ripped out of his lovely sleep by a seizure.

I hate the damage the seizures must do to the good parts of his brain. I hate the fact that he has seizures that we cannot see. Seizures going on his brain that don’t show physically.

I hate that his epilepsy has been described by his doctor as ‘off the scale’ and the moment a doctor or nurse unfamiliar with him see Samuel move or twitch, they want to medicate him.

I hate the fact that these seizures don’t give his brain a chance to develop and allow him to develop and grow intellectually.

But despite all this, everyday I feel so full of love for my boy, my husband and the little bubble we seem to have created in which we feel safe and normal. I love looking at my beautiful boy and stroking his hands, squidging his cheeks and just generally admiring his gorgeousness. I love Samuel so very much and no damn epilepsy will ever dampen that.

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