Feathers

I’ve been thinking about this blog for ages. I’ve wanted to write something but it’s just impossible to find the words. I miss him. I miss my Samuel Luke with every part of my being. I can’t say it gets any easier. Right now I’m writing this with tears streaming down my face. I miss telling you about what he’s been up to. But there is nothing to say now. It all feels like it’s frozen in time.

Sometimes I feel like I’m in control of it all. I’ve compartmentalised it all in my brain. I can tuck it away and only dip in when I feel ready. When I want to. But then other times I’m swimming in thoughts of him and I can’t come up for air, I’m drowning. I think of stupid things that I wish I could change but they wouldn’t change the ending, I know that.

We visit his resting place every weekend. We leave flowers and tell him that we love him and update him on what’s been happening – but he knows it all because we talk to him all the time. There is a very special little boy who rests just opposite to Samuel’s forever bed and every time we visit I leave a little flower on his plaque and say hi. I love that Samuel has a special buddy near by.

I miss our special world. I miss all his carers. I still see them, we will always cherish them dearly, but it’s not the same. There is no update. There is nothing to tell them. No folder to fill in. No new medicines to tell them about. I miss his school. I will cherish that year he spent at that amazing school. All those people that worked so hard for him.

I love it when people tell me about how much they miss him. How it hurts them, physically hurts them when they think of his loss. They have their own personal loss of Samuel to deal with it. But it breaks my heart all over again too. Their loss breaks my heart. It wasn’t just our hearts he broke when he left. At his celebration, after his little nest was lowered to the ground, I said to his Dad that I couldn’t bear all the sadness. All these people that were there crying and some of them grieving for themselves. They will never see their Samuel again. I think of certain people who visited him after he left us, who touched him and were not afraid. Just sad. His friends at Julia’s House who looked after him after he had gone. They sang to him. They changed his PJs. They took his hand prints. They celebrated him. The thought of that makes my heart ache. Truly ache.

I keep finding white feathers at certain times and think to myself, is this Samuel saying hello? Is it him saying, ‘it’s ok mum. I’m ok’. I hope so. We asked Samuel to watch over his brother when he went into hospital for a procedure on his hand and just the other day as we were saying what a good job Samuel did, Toby reached into his bib and picked out a white feather and handed it to me. Was that Samuel?

I can’t believe that someone so enormous, so important has gone. And that’s it. I pray that there is heaven. I NEED there to be heaven. I need to know that I will see him again. I will hold him in my arms again.

And then just when I think I will never cope. It’s all just too sad. His little brother comes up to me and brings me his music shakers and wants me to make music with him. He brings me a car and wants to race cars with him him. That little boy is my life now. He has given me sunshine every day. He holds me when all I want to do is hold his big brother. He touches my face when it’s wet with tears and in his own Toby like way, tells me it will be ok. We will all be ok.

I know my big boy is at peace. Wherever he is. No more seizures. No more medicines. No more prodding and poking. He is at peace. He is somewhere with the stars. Watching us.

I know I’ve made you feel sad reading this and I’m sorry, I just had to get it out. I am fine. I’ve been blessed with being a mum to the most amazing and brave boy for four whole years. Every day I feel extremely lucky. It’s just now and again things hit me and I think it’s best I get it out. I’m fortunate to be married to the most amazing, beautiful man who will always be worth waking up each day for. He is my best friend and soul mate. And then there is our wonderful little Toby…

If you were one of Samuel’s special friends (even if you were a faraway friend), thank you for loving him. Smile and think of his ridiculously outrageous eyelashes, his warm soft hands and those, those big blue eyes. Your friend Samuel is at peace now. He’s free, just like a bird.